Scott & I ate a lot of pizza when we were in our 20s – a lot of pizza. Not so odd – people of that age have been known to do this on occasion. It culminated into an all-out frenzy when an amazing pizza place opened up RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET from our house. That was heaven.
However, we did frequent other pizza places – and these are a few stories about them.
The Pizza Man Cometh
One night we were hanging out with 3 friends, Lu, Michael & Hubba. We ordered pizza from one of our favorite places. When the pizza guy came to the house, we invited him into the living room so we could get the money and whatnot. He looked at the five of us and laughed.
He pointed to Hubba and said, “Hey, I know you! You’re extra cheese & pepperoni”
He pointed to Lu & Mike and said, “I know you both too. You’re extra sauce and onions”
He looked at Scott & me and said “And of course, you’re extra cheese, garlic and red onions”
I told you – we ate a lot of pizza.
Pizza in Palm Springs
This story is a favorite of mine.
Scott & I went to visit my very awesome psychic, gay Uncle for Thanksgiving in Palm Springs. He’s a hoot. Uncontrollable laughter is typically a guarantee when we visit.
I have to give a little background about my Uncle – and my family in general. We’re Italian – my grandmother came right off the boat via Ellis Island from Sicily when she was 21. So we are NY Italians. We like food. We struggle with our weight. We’re not hugely obese, but we’re solid. Scott- he’s from a nice sedate German/Scots-Irish family. He was rail-thin at that time. Like Iggy-Pop-Stove-Pipe-Pants thin – 29 inch waist, thin. I can’t tell you my waist size because once it was larger than my inseam, I stopped looking. Anyway, back to eating.
The first time Scott had a holiday meal with my side of the family, his comment was:
I don’t understand how your family doesn’t understand why they have weight problems.
My Uncle and his friend got kicked out of a Chinese buffet once – the woman was yelling “You two eat like four! You two eat like four!” Ya know how some places, in the days of writing checks; they had pictures of bad check writers (or their bad checks) on the wall? Well, I envision that my Uncle & his friend have their picture up on the wall with a big sign underneath that reads: Banned! These two eat like four.
So back to Palm Springs. We were feeling a bit peckish. So we decided to order a pizza. And because there were three of us, we ordered a 35 inch pizza. Three people require 35 inches of pizza. With extra cheese, garlic & red onions.
When the pizza guy came, we almost peed our pants because he was about 5’1” tall and holding a box that dwarfed him. When he couldn’t get the box through the 33” doorway, and had to hold it somewhat vertically, we couldn’t stop laughing. This poor guy kept looking around like he was expecting more people to pop out of the living room to help us with the 35” pizza. Nope, it was only us. We laughed so hard for so long that my Uncle’s neighbors remarked about it later on.
And yes, we ate the entire freakin’ pie.
It’s Sorta Locked In My Truck
It’s about 9PM –Scott, Mike and I are ravenous. We are waiting for pizza. It’s a busy pizza night, I’m guessing, because it’s been about an hour since we called. We’re about to call the pizza place when we hear a timid knocking at the door.
Delivery guy: “Hello, did you order an extra-large pizza with extra cheese, garlic and red onion?”
Me: “Yes” – I’m looking around because there is no evidence that he’s got an 18” box on his person. It’s not an item that lends itself to stealth. So far this isn’t boding well – and we’re ravenous. “Is there a problem?”
Delivery guy: “Sort of. I have it”
Me: “Ok –where?”
Delivery Guy: “It’s sorta locked in my truck”
I don’t know there was an intermediary between ‘locked-in-my-truck’ and ‘not-locked-in-my-truck’. But he apparently is under the impression that there is. I probe this conundrum a bit deeper.
Me: “Do you have any spare keys on your person?”
Delivery guy: “No”
Me: “Do you want to come in and call a locksmith? What’s that noise?”
Delivery guy: “Um – I sorta left my truck running.”
The guy is really embarrassed by now. He looks like he’s in his first semester of college and his parents bought him a really nice truck – much more truck than can be had from delivering pizza. Yup, the truck that’s running. With my pizza inside it. It’s getting late. I’m hungry.
So at this point I invite the guy to come in so he can call the pizza place and/or a locksmith. He’s not really willing to do either and I can’t figure out why. Then he drops the bombshell. It’s his first day on the job. *Sigh*. But everyone makes mistakes. I totally understand that.
He doesn’t want to call a locksmith because he’s afraid it will take too long and then he’ll have to call the pizza place and admit what he’s done and he’s afraid he’ll get fired.
So all four of us go to his truck with a clothes hanger and try to open the lock. I looked longingly at the box on his front seat. It’s about 9:30PM now. We’re not getting anywhere with the lock because it’s a brand new truck and it has anti-theft locks. Since we weren’t thieves, I hoped the truck would understand and yield the pizza to us. But it didn’t and it wouldn’t.
He finally relents and says he’s going to call the locksmith. We tell him he has to call the pizza place first so that they can get us another pizza on the way because, whilst we had sympathy for his plight, we were hungry. I told the guy that I’d tell his boss we weren’t angry and that it was an accident.
We called- and were told that a pizza would be there ASAP. I said thank you and told them that I wasn’t angry and it was a mistake and that I hope it wouldn’t be the end of this kid’s job as it was his first day. The manager was non-committal about the future of the delivery boy.
And here’s the kicker to this story – I said something along the lines that I’m assuming that we did not have to pay for the pizza. The manager said, oh yes, we had to. I was stunned. We weren’t getting this pizza until close to 11PM, we had to sit with the pizza delivery guy (which was very awkward) until the locksmith arrived and on top of that we had to PAY for the pizza. I was less than happy.
When the pizza came – about 45 minutes later (ASAP must mean A Slowly As Possible)…the guy was almost hiding it behind his back until we paid. He even told us that his manager said he wasn’t allowed to give us the pizza until we gave him the money. I was incensed. But it wasn’t pizza delivery guy #2’s fault. So I gave him the money.
We invited pizza delivery guy #1 to eat some pizza with us until the locksmith arrived. By 11:30PM it was all over.
I called the next day to inquire about the delivery guy – those jerks fired him. I asked to speak to the manager and gave him a very vivid piece of my mind about firing that kid and having the nerve to charge us for the pizza. He offered to give us a 15% off coupon for our next visit. I have no idea what in the conversation we were having would have indicated that we would be having a ‘next visit’.
We’re visiting friends in Kingston, NY – Lu & Michael (extra sauce and red onions). We have spent the entire night laughing so hard our sides hurt. We’ve not seen them in several years and we have a lot to catch up on.
We decide it’s time to order pizza. Michael, Lu and Scott have all three live/lived in Kingston. I have not. I also get lost going around the corner (I blame my underdeveloped Hippocampus). So of course, it transpires that I was left to order the pizza. So here’s a tip, don’t go to the bathroom when these decisions are being meted out. You can only lose.
Have you ever ordered pizza from someone else’s house, in an entirely different town, in an entirely different STATE (possibly drunk)? Without the address ready to hand and three slap-happy people trying to yell out the address? The fact that the pizza guy actually MADE it to the house is remarkable in and of itself.
But what was really funny was what happened when the doorbell rang. Simultaneously, Lu, Michael and I ran in different directions (without any planning or pretense) and left Scott to get the door. The look of astonishment on his face that everyone was gone and he was left standing there was hilarious.
Of course, the pizza guy couldn’t fail to hear three people from different parts of the house howling with uncontrollable laughter.