Presenting….THE HOOK!

Greetings People ~

As you can see there’s something kinda exciting going on…

I’ve got my first GUEST BLOGGER!! He’s been traveling around the blog-a-verse and has dropped in to hang out with The Mercenary Researcher AKA Rutabaga.

I’m very excited to present

(drum roll please)

THE HOOK!

His most excellent blog is You’ve Been Hooked – and after you read the post he’s posting here – go THERE– it’s got humor, mirth, bellman stuff, funny stories about people….basically it’s got it ALL. And he gave me some it for HERE.

So, without further ado…let’s get to it, people!

 

He shall be answering questions and responding to comments today!

——————————————————————————————-

The scenario: You’re young, randy, and on the prowl.


With me so far?


After countless failures and mishaps – including one particularly harrowing incident involving a bra and a pair of garden shears – you find a mate who is actually willing to copulate with you. Cue the fireworks.


Well, make that one firework.


After all, you’re young.


All is right with the world and in time, when the blood returns to your brain, you come to the inevitable conclusion that you love this person. You propose. You do the whole “House, White Picket Fence, 2.5 Kids and Dog” thing. All is well with the world.


Fast forward ten or fifteen years and you realize something is amiss. Fireworks – a.k.a coitus – wake people – a.k.a the rugrats – up when they explode in the dead of night. And that’s assuming you have the energy to detonate fireworks at all after working 50 hours a week, raising a family and just trying to survive an increasingly-hostile world.


All is not well with the world.


So what do you do when you want to relive those crazy days of youthful “relations” with your partner without letting the kids know that mommies and daddies sometimes need to make “bow chicka wow wow” noises when they’re alone?


I’m glad you asked.


Five Quick ‘n Easy Tips To Getting Lucky Without Waking The Kids.


1)  Remember why you’re there in the first place. You’re going to have problems, no question about it; every plan needs tinkering and dry runs. So just take a deep breath – but a quiet one – and remember that you love your partner and want to knock their socks off. If they were wearing socks, that is. Which they better not be.


2)  Don’t try to be a hero. There’s no sense in getting overly creative or elaborate. Keep things simple. And for God’s sake, put away that copy of the Kama Sutra you got as an anniversary present from crazy old Aunt Doris; you don’t need it. A starving person will enjoy a cracker as much as a steak. After all, you’re not making a Vivid video; you’re just trying to squeeze out some much-needed “adult time”, so to speak.


3)  Seal and block the doors. Sounds simple, right? But how many people actually do it? Don’t make it easy for Timmy to interrupt your time together; make him work for it by putting a laundry basket behind the door. You’ll need the extra few seconds to disengage and grab the sheets – which should always be readily available, by the way – and make up an excuse as to why mommy looks like a used piñata and daddy is sweating like grandpa when he tries to open a jar of pickles.


4)  Control your breathing. If you’re not in shape, then do a sit-up or two. You need to be able to enjoy yourself without letting the family – and your partner – know you’re not seventeen anymore. So restrict yourself to short, controlled breaths.


5) Make the most of the time you have. Let’s face it, most people are lucky to get together once or twice a month, and even then, they’re tired and frustrated, so the action isn’t exactly stellar. So why don’t you keep some of that blood in your brain, do some advance planning and adjust the schedule? Have two or three thirty-minute ninja-like sessions a week and before you know it, everything will change. 


These tips apply to and can be utilized by everyone, but I’d like to address the men for a moment, ladies: guys you need to step up and make sure these tips are utilized immediately. Trust me, they’re worth the effort and they work. And the fringe benefits are clear, but if you still don’t see them, then listen up…


She’ll be happy you cared enough to put some forethought into scoring with her like you used to (teenagers have to be creative at times in order to score, right?) and she’ll find herself in a better place the next time she discovers the girls used her expensive perfume and make-up to make the kitty look and smell like Kim Kardashian.


And you’ll be happy because, well, you know why you’ll be happy….

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About Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher

I'm a research librarian for Public Television, story teller, bike commuter, baker, music fiend, lover of reading & books, mother, wife, friend - and many more descriptive adjectives and nouns.
This entry was posted in Blogging, Guest Blogger, Humor, love, Story, Tips and Tricks and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

44 Responses to Presenting….THE HOOK!

  1. twindaddy says:

    I got caught ONCE!! The door has always been locked ever since. I take no chances because…awkward.

  2. Socks? It’s freaky cold in here. Besides my socks are cute. 🙂

  3. Jennifer says:

    Number 5, seriously, a coupe of times a month. God I’d die if that were us, even in our bad times it was more than that. With three kids, yeah we’ve been caught (aurally, if not visually, god help them if that happened) but it hasn’t stopped us. He’s home for 5 nights out of 14, and we certainly make up for other 9…

  4. JackieP says:

    well IF I had kids and IF I had someone I wanted to play twister the bedside edition with. I would certainly use your fine advice. It sounded doable. Hookster the love doctor! hehehe

  5. robincoyle says:

    6) Ether soaked rag. Works every time.

  6. Great post! I’d just like to add that the kids do grow up, and they do move out of the house, and then…….well, use your imagination!

  7. djmatticus says:

    Crazy old Aunt Doris, what will she do next? Thanks for the advice, and the, er, um laughs!

  8. El Guapo says:

    Or, you know, don’t have kids…

  9. mairedubhtx says:

    A lovely post. Well-done, Hook!

  10. Since I’m currently without a lover, and small children… I can’t say these tips will be implemented anytime soon. But hey, Hook, great post! 😀
    Ps – I’m sure Lily would want me to say, Hi!

    • The Hook says:

      Well, we’re gong to have to get you a lover, aren’t we? Assuming you want one in your life right now, that is! But never mind the small children for now….

  11. The Cutter says:

    I’ve recently realized the irony that most of my sex life was spent trying not to get caught by my/her parents. From here on out, my goal is not be caught by my children. Sigh….

  12. Definitely LOCK THE DOORS…I can not stress this enough…it will sear a memory in you child’s head like NOTHING ELSE.

  13. The Hook says:

    I cannot possibly convey the depth of my gratitude for allowing me to be your first-ever Guest Blogger, Rutabaga!
    You are truly one-of-a-kind and I hope our friendship endures until the end of time.
    Or until we’re both worm food. Either way.
    Thanks again!

  14. Pingback: WordPress Team Up: The Hook And The Mercenary Researcher. And More Indie Chick Goodness! | You've Been Hooked!

  15. I can like my own blog post when I have a guest – It’s in the rules… I read them, or made them up – one or the other.

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