Time to let the balloons go –

April 8, 2003 – the most exciting and fearful day for me and my husband. It was the day our son came home from an almost four month stay in the Neonatal ICU.  He came with stitches, tubes, a mickey button and a kangaroo pump. He came with laughter, smiles, joy, tears and some really cool sunglasses.

For 9 years, I’ve celebrated that anniversary – but this year, I’m letting that date fade into the background. I’m releasing the balloons and letting it go. That is an old story from the past – filled with so much emotion.

My son and our family have a new story. To move forward, sometimes, is to close the door on the past. Not to forget; but not to make it a major part of our lives – to not dwell on the horrors and fortune…but to simply move on and remember from time to time.

So good-bye April 8th – I will never forget you nor the 100 days prior…but you are not the focal point anymore.

Our new story is about a young boy on his way towards whatever his life brings.   I love you, Dorian – now and forever.

Skipping through life ~

Skipping through life ~

About Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher

I'm a research librarian for Public Television, story teller, bike commuter, baker, music fiend, lover of reading & books, mother, wife, friend - and many more descriptive adjectives and nouns.
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68 Responses to Time to let the balloons go –

  1. unfetteredbs says:

    you’re a pretty special Mom… (and family)

  2. The Hook says:

    Dorian is one lucky lad.
    All the best to you and yours, my friend.

  3. I totally understand why you’ve held on for so long, but it is time to let go. You can’t fully enjoy the present if part of you is living in the past.

  4. How scary – no wonder you’ve held onto that memory. I had fairly uneventful (as uneventful as childbirth can be) births and they freaked me out enough. But to have a sick baby? That is truly frightening. So glad your son is doing well now – and so are you.

    • Thank you!
      I was total freak during pregnancy – I puked for the whole 38 weeks – it sucked! I was reading some of your post and laughing b/c nothing went as planned – and all you can do is be flexible and do what needs to be done – I live the “with child = without plans”…I remember the L&D Nurse taking our birthing plan and saying “sorry about this not working out” and we were fine with it – no sense pushing against wall.

      We are awesome now!

  5. indytony says:

    Congratulations for new life!

  6. stephrogers says:

    What a beautiful boy, skipping, it seems, is somewhat of a lost art, but I dare anyone to skip and not smile! Flat out dare you!
    Congrats on being ready to move forward. I don’t believe in ‘closure’ as such because everything that happens in our back story becomes part of who we are, but moving forward and letting the balloons go is exactly the right turn of phrase (not surprisingly!). I think I will use that now every time people are banging on about ‘closure’.

    • Ah Steph, I wish I could meet you in your land down under – we’d be fast and furious friends!

      I agree with you 100% – we are all made up of things that happen to us!

      • stephrogers says:

        Oh we so would! We’ll have to be internetty friends, until one of us wins lotto! My daughter is almost 10. It’s a great age. A little bit of attitude and a lot of innocence!

        • Our kids could fall in love and share Vegemite sandwiches and hot dogs. It would be true love. One question, is she a ginger? Dorian loves the reds and blondies…

        • stephrogers says:

          Ooooh, she actually had red hair when she was born, but it’s gone a strawberry blonde colour now. She’s gorgeous. She’s a ballet dancer. Wants to dance professionally. She does competitions and things. She looks like a dancer. We could be in-laws. Wouldn’t that be fun!!

        • Oh yes that would be fabbo…

          My son wants to be a race car driver –

        • stephrogers says:

          Oh dangerous! But there’s money in it!
          My middle son wants to be a dancer as well. He trains 10 hrs a week. He’s not in competition yet, still too young, but next year I’ll let him start. And the little one? Who knows? Hopefully someone who walks!!

        • I often wished that Dorian wanted to do something enough to practice – he’s anti-practice 🙂 But then I remember – things are different for every kid and he’s only 10 – so why should he have to know what he wants to be?

          I bet your little guy will walk before you know it – how’s it going with him?

        • stephrogers says:

          Yeah it’s going ok. His speech therapist wants to get his hearing tested but NSW Health doesn’t do testing on kids under 3 so I’m looking into going private. He’s not taking any steps yet. Much the same really.

        • How frustrating. Really- they wont’ test a kid’s hearing?? That’s kind of weird – but if you can do private, it might be worth it.

  7. The Waiting says:

    How freeing! I am celebrating with you, my friend.

  8. "HE WHO" says:

    Good for you! And all the best with your family’s new way of going.

  9. Being part of the multiples community, I know quite a few families who have been through the NICU wringer, and I can see why it is momentous to get out. But I am glad that enough time and good things have come to pass that you now see it as a page from your history rather than a continual presence. Celebrate that boy!

  10. MissFourEyes says:

    Good for you for letting go, Denise. You’re going to have so many more amazing anniversaries to celebrate

  11. Good for you, Denise. You always hold the time dearly in your heart, I believe! What a great way to talk about it…to release the balloons. I bet it is a letting go for you and I imagine it feels good to allow yourself to do that.

    • it does – I do have wonderful memories of that time – but I don’t want my son to always think that he’s a ‘sick’ child –

      I was easier than I thought to let it go – at times I thought if I didn’t honor it- something adverse might happen – but really that’s just plain ol’ guilt and this idea that we have to lug the past around – I don’t like the “I’m a survivor in a world trying to get me” attitude… I want him to just see himself as a kid in the world.

  12. twindaddy says:

    Moving on is the most difficult, yet most essential thing we ever have to do. I have no doubt that all three of you will do well with it and make amazing new memories.

  13. rossmurray1 says:

    BOOM! That’s it.

  14. Carrie Rubin says:

    Time to create new anniversaries, hopefully of only the best kind!

  15. xdanigirl says:

    This made me tear up. It’s very sweet. I can relate a little. My son stayed a week in the hospital after he was born because he was early. My husband and I didn’t go through near as much as you did, I’m sure, but I understand those crazy feelings of when they finally do come home.
    Congratulations on finally being able to let this day go. I hope your son’s life is filled with many fun adventures and happy times!

    • Thank you – all times in a NICU are hard for parents – and what you went through was just as rough as what we went through – those feelings are powerful and real. Leaving the hospital without your little baby is hard for anyone.

      thank you – I’m glad to be moving forward with happy stories!

  16. Soren Kierkegaard said, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” You’ve done a whole lot of living in the last 10 years! Let that balloon fly, babycakes.

  17. I’m glad you’ve decided to let that go and enjoy the little guy going forward 🙂

  18. Le Clown says:

    Good on you and your family for moving forward. What happened that day will always exist, but the strength you have found as a family is its legacy. Much love, Denise.
    Le Clown

  19. El Guapo says:

    Keep on skipping, youn man!
    Oh, the places you’ll go…

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