When I was in high school, I had a boyfriend, “Jon”, whose mom was a classic lush. I don’t know that I ever saw her sober. She was the kind of drunk that was either sobbing, screaming or laughing. You never knew what you were in for when she had a whisky in her hand- which was always. Even at 16, I knew it was really depressing – and there would be bad repercussions for the family in the future. Sad to say, said boyfriend became a heroin addict years later (our whirlwind romance lasted about 6 months before I ended it– I was smart about some things concerning guys). But she did have one stellar stand out moment that will forever bring me horrors and laughter.
In the late 80s, Dom Deluise had put out a cookbook and was doing a meet & greet at the local department store, in the home goods section. So Jon’s mother, all liquored up, begged us to take her to maul (sic) so she could meet Dom Deluise and get her cookbook signed. At least she knew she was in no condition to be driving. We were up for it – so off we went to Macy’s or Dillards – or one of those redonkulous kinds o’places.
The entire home goods section was thronged with people. They were queued up in a square around the up and down escalators – so even though we were in the back of the line, we could see Dom, in all his chef-ing glory. At this point in his career, Dom was a big guy – and even from where we were standing we could see he was sweating bullets. Jon’s mom, no Skinny Minnie by any stretch of the imagination, had taken a couple of shots before we left and they started to kick in during our wait… and she morphed into ‘loud mean drunk’.
She started slur-ranting in a very LOUD voice about what a ‘fucking fat fuck’ Dom Delusie was, and what the hell was she waiting in this god damn line to meet that ‘sweaty fat ass’ for anyway!?! These rhetorical questions were met with dead silence – and horror. Dom looked up and made eye contact with us from across the entire store. I prayed for the floor to crack open and devour me. I felt really bad for Jon – he was mortified and humiliated – then his mom outdid herself. She noticed Dom looking at us and she yelled right at him, “you probably stink too, you fat ass”.
Needless to say, we never made it to the “meet” given Jon’s mom’s special “greet” because security asked us if we could take her home and give her some coffee. About a day later, I laughed – even though I felt bad for Dom Deluise – no one deserves that kind of abuse – but it was pretty hilarious in a ‘funny uh-oh’ kind o’way.