The Sweaty Chef – a Tale of the Lush

When I was in high school, I had a boyfriend, “Jon”, whose mom was a classic lush. I don’t know that I ever saw her sober. She was the kind of drunk that was either sobbing, screaming or laughing.  You never knew what you were in for when she had a whisky in her hand- which was always.  Even at 16, I knew it was really depressing – and there would be bad repercussions for the family in the future. Sad to say, said boyfriend became a heroin addict years later (our whirlwind romance lasted about 6 months before I ended it– I was smart about some things concerning guys).   But she did have one stellar stand out moment that will forever bring me horrors and laughter.


In the late 80s, Dom Deluise had put out a cookbook and was doing a meet & greet at the local department store, in the home goods section.  So Jon’s mother, all liquored up, begged us to take her to maul (sic) so she could meet Dom Deluise and get her cookbook signed.  At least she knew she was in no condition to be driving.  We were up for it – so off we went to Macy’s or Dillards – or one of those redonkulous  kinds o’places.

The entire home goods section was thronged with people.  They were queued up in a square around the up and down escalators – so even though we were in the back of the line, we could see Dom, in all his chef-ing glory.  At this point in his career, Dom was a big guy – and even from where we were standing we could see he was sweating bullets.  Jon’s mom, no Skinny Minnie by any stretch of the imagination, had taken a couple of shots before we left and they started to kick in during our wait… and she morphed into ‘loud mean drunk’.

meandrunkShe started slur-ranting in a very LOUD voice about what a ‘fucking fat fuck’ Dom Delusie was, and what the hell was she waiting in this god damn line to meet that ‘sweaty fat ass’ for anyway!?! These rhetorical questions were met with dead silence – and horror.  Dom looked up and made eye contact with us from across the entire store. I prayed for the floor to crack open and devour me.  I felt really bad for Jon – he was mortified and humiliated – then his mom outdid herself. She noticed Dom looking at us and she yelled right at him, “you probably stink too, you fat ass”.

Needless to say, we never made it to the “meet” given Jon’s mom’s special “greet” because security asked us if we could take her home and give her some coffee.   About a day later, I laughed – even though I felt bad for Dom Deluise – no one deserves that kind of abuse – but it was pretty hilarious in a ‘funny uh-oh’ kind o’way.

About Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher

I'm a research librarian for Public Television, story teller, bike commuter, baker, music fiend, lover of reading & books, mother, wife, friend - and many more descriptive adjectives and nouns.
This entry was posted in Childhood, Cooking, Eating, Food, Humor, Random Thoughts, Story, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

39 Responses to The Sweaty Chef – a Tale of the Lush

  1. My friend had a classic lush stepmother whom he once heard falling down the stairs with the classic falling-down-the-stairs-exclamation ‘Hoop la!’. When he told me that story I laughed for three days.

  2. rarasaur says:

    I love that cookbook! Poor Dom, I’m surprised Jon’s mom didn’t get mauled by his more hardcore fans. 🙂 It’s a cringe worthy funny, definitely a funny uh-oh. 😀 I loved the story telling… I felt myself melting away from the screen in awkward dismay… I think in real life I probably would’ve just melted legit style. 😀

  3. The Hook says:

    Alcoholics are a equally entertaining and heartbreaking to observe.
    Great post and trip down memory lane!

    • Ain’t that the truth? She could be fun on the holidays – but most of the time it was just really sad – she’d get all sappy and teary eyed, then start screaming. I felt sad for the whole entire family. Two out of the 5 kids ‘escaped’ to a better life – the other three – not so much. Obviously, Jon suffered the most –

  4. Rohan 7 Things says:

    Ha! Wow, that must have been really quite awkward, my god…

    The loud mean drunk is phenomenon alright!!

    Thanks for sharing 🙂


  5. Andrew says:

    This is a crazy story. I wish I would have been a random bystander in this line. Poor Dom.

  6. twindaddy says:

    It’s funny and not funny at the same time.

  7. Thankfully my parents drinking never created the loud-mean drunk syndrome. Funny uh-oh for sure!

  8. stephrogers says:

    Ah public humiliation, it’s a special kind of talent 😉

  9. The best part of this story is the fact that Dom is a millionaire, and that woman probably has no teeth and saggy tits by now.

  10. annesquared says:

    Had she been appropropriate and sober – no story to tell about the time you went to the “maul.” (Now that is funny.)

  11. I have been in those cringe inducing moments. Like that time I was at the pool with my girls and this big biker type guy and his girlfriend came out smoking. Thing One says (LOUDLY) “YUCK, why do people smoke? That’s so gross! Etc.” and I’m hissing at her “Shut up shut up shut up I am unarmed and alone, ‘kay?” Oy!

  12. Carrie Rubin says:

    I had to come back for another bite of Ruta, and I’m so glad I did. That experience is horrible and cringe-worthy, but it does make for a great story. 🙂 Of course, it’s equally horrifying that I think I can remember that cookbook coming out…

  13. MissFourEyes says:

    Poor you! And Dom, and Jon. But the story is pretty funny! Funny uh-oh.

  14. jmlindy422 says:

    So funny. My dad was a funny drunk and a loud drunk and a puking drunk, but never a mean drunk. Oh, and that Dom DeLuise book is actually pretty good.

  15. Awe…poor Jon…AND Dom!! This WAS funny!! (and sad) but more funny.

  16. RFL says:

    I feel bad for laughing at this story so much, but I felt like I was there listening to her rant. The morph into loud and mean happens so quickly…

  17. rossmurray1 says:

    No one deserves that kind of abuse but Dom Deluise did deserve some kind of abuse.

Divulge your thoughts...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s