Out of Sync (or A Post of Self Doubt)

Yes, that’s me… I feel like I’m totally out of sync – and as with most things, there is a song that sums it up – this one by DEVO.   And I love DEVO – I just saw them this past Friday and got to meet Mark Mothersbaugh – yes, it was amazing…and I even caught his half drinken/drunken/drinked water bottle that he threw into the audience and it magically landed right in my hand (instead of beaning me on the head). That was cosmic also…

But I am feeling out of sync- I think I’ve ever felt like this. Like I’m on the brink of something new and exciting and I back off. Feeling like I’m not quite up to the task or fit into the scheme of things.  Like I’m not sure how everyone manages to know how to ‘be an adult’ and I’m struggling – waiting for someone to tell me “here you are, you did it!”  – am I doing whatever it is to be a ‘good wife’, a good ‘home keeper’, a ‘good parent’?  Honestly, I don’t think I’m even TALL enough to be an adult. I think I’m a sham, a fraud  – and I’m waiting for someone to call me out on it.

I think this is why I love going to school, I can fend off the need to be an ‘adult’ and live in a place where someone else tells me what it is that I need to do to ‘pass’ the class.  Not that I’m irresponsible, I’ve been ÜBER responsible since I was 14 and began working…but even working is easy – you go and you do what you need to and then it’s done (I shove the poles in the holes – to quote some more DEVO). It’s all that other stuff that I struggle with – finances, planing for the future, keeping up ‘the house’, maintaining – I feel so out of sync with who I am and what it is I’m supposed to be doing. I don’t even know what that is.

My life is probably about half over and I’m still confused and out of sorts. On the fringe –

She’s out of sync

And everyone around her
Knows that something is wrong
She’s out of sync
She’s got all the symptoms
Of a girl who skipped a beat
She’s out of sync
A piece of ancient history
She’s a walking mirage

She’s out of sync
She entered through the exit
And never stopped to think
She’s out of sync she’s a half
Step behind
She’s out of luck her body split from
Her mind
She’s out of orbit she’ll never connect
She’ll run out of time before she

Accepts she’s out of sync
She’s out of sync

Everybody senses
There s a distance to keep
She’s out of sync
And totally committed
To living in a dark age
She’s out of sync
Constantly undoing
What’s already been done
She’s out of sync
Trapped in a silent movie
And she’s on the brink
She’s out of focus
She’s a warp in time
She’s discontinued
A break in the line

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About Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher

I'm a research librarian for Public Television, story teller, bike commuter, baker, music fiend, lover of reading & books, mother, wife, friend - and many more descriptive adjectives and nouns.
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80 Responses to Out of Sync (or A Post of Self Doubt)

  1. I know this feeling, I had it a few years ago and I couldn’t shake it. I felt like I was teetering on the brink of…SOMETHING. But I had no idea what it was, and at first it was exciting-ish, but then it was just sort of nervewracking. But it turned out that it was all part of a shift, it just took a while to really shift INTO something.

    So I guess this is my long-winded way of saying that feeling out of sync isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and a lot of times it’s a good sign because it means that something is getting shaken up for the better. So let ‘er rip!

  2. Rohan 7 Things says:

    Wow, that must have been loads of fun! I hope you kept that water bottle!

    I definitely experienced that a lot in the past. I think we have these concepts of what a “grown up” is in our minds, but do any of us ever really feel like one? I’m a total kid in many respects, but I’m responsible as well. I say anyone who says “I’m a grownup and I have everything super sorted out” is a big faker 😉

    These days I really don’t think anyone has the “rules of life” in their back pocket, if someone says they do they are usually trying to make a buck. I certainly don’t possess the rules of life.

    Focus on those bodily sensations, those intuitions and see where they lead. Sometimes I ask the question “What is between me and feeling fine” then I wait, wait for the body to answer, not the mind 🙂

    And if all else fails listen to more DEVO!

    Rohan.

    • I TOTALLY kept the water bottle – it now has a flyer and the ticket taped on the inside (it went from garbage to art with two pieces of Scotch tape or Sellotape as I believe it is called in your part o’the world).

      I feel that so many people seem like that they got it ‘going on’ – and I am not even GOOD at faking it…

      I will always listen to more DEVO –

      My gauge for what is wrong lives in my belly – it always tells me when soemthing is not ‘right’ – I’ll have to find the body part that says when things are ‘right’.

  3. The Hook says:

    You’ll be fine.
    Believe me when I say this: I know exactly how you feel, and I’m still going.
    And so will you.

  4. El Guapo says:

    So…what do you want “what you should be doing” to be?

  5. djmatticus says:

    I often feel the same way… I’m just various roles I’m “supposed” to be playing while waiting for someone to call out me out on it, that I’m doing it wrong, that I’ve taken on too many roles, more responsibility than I’m ready to handle… Really, I am okay to be a home owner? I’m responsible enough to be a father? When did that happen? Are you sure?
    Then again, at the same time I have some people in my life wondering when I’m going to buy a “real” home… apparently a condo doesn’t count. Does that prove the feeling of being out of sync?

    • Ah – the ‘real house’ question – we get that too!

      • djmatticus says:

        Grr! It really doesn’t bug me as much as it used to… but, it’s still kind of annoying. I’d just prefer to spend my money on other things … I don’t see the need to carry a $400K mortgage, thank you very much, and because I don’t… hey, I get to put money towards retirement, and go on vacations now, and … and… and…

        • What’s retirement? I hate that question too – or when are you moving to a better neighborhood? Ugh – the answer is when are you going to start giving me money to move?

          So is everyone essentially ‘faking’ being an adult?

        • djmatticus says:

          I think so. I think being an “adult” is more about the number of responsibilities you have than any sort of state of mind or state of being…

  6. Oh yeahhhhhh, get those days too. We should Whip it!
    p.s. did you know Mark M did the Rugrats theme, plus tons of other kiddie cartoon music? this is where the weird meets the road: my own kid was listening to Devo hahahahahaa

  7. Marsha says:

    I can relate. Huge amounts of self doubt here. 🙂

  8. Le Clown says:

    Denise,
    Mark Mothersbaugh. 60 something. And he was a recurring character in Yo Gabba Gabba. You will continually reinvent yourself. I wouldn’t worry, if I were you. Which I am not. But a worrier I am. So what the fuck do I know. I should ask Mark.
    Le Clown

  9. MissFourEyes says:

    Me too, Denise, me too.
    That pinky promise I made when I was five to never grow up and stay a kid forever and ever isn’t working.

  10. twindaddy says:

    We’re all feeling our way through life, I think. I have no idea what I’m doing or where I want to go.

  11. Wow Denise, you caught the water bottle! Brava!! That wasn’t out of sync. I know what you mean, though. I feel that way a lot! I don’t think you’re alone. The older I get, the less sense things make. Every now and then I think that, too. My life is half over, so it’s time to get going on this other stuff I want in my life but is not happening. I think maybe it’s a matter of letting go of the need to feel in sync. How’s that for advice? I’ll completely understand if you promptly ignore me.

    • I would NEVER ignore you! Hee hee… well, the water might have been IN the bottle – but it was weird that it went straight into my hand AFTER talking to Mark earlier in the night… maybe he was willing it to me with he De-evolved brain.

      I might try that…

  12. Smaktakula says:

    What we do is what we do!
    I’m so glad you had a good time at the DEVO show; I’ve seen them a few times and never been disappointed. I’m thinking of catching their June 9th show with GZA if I can make it work.

    I haven’t been to real school in years (although I’ve taken various professional classes for continuing ed, etc.), but I consider myself a life-long student.

    Remember:

  13. Tez says:

    Wow, I’m so glad there are other people who feel like this. I’m 67 and I STILL get the same feeling ‘every now and then. But I don’t believe it has anything to do with age but with an inquiring mind and a curiosity about the world (that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it). Maybe one day I’ll feel like a proper grown up. Until then I’ll take Karen’s advice and, “lean in and let go of the outcome.” 🙂

  14. This is me every other day. I became the PTO president this year, a point about which I felt simultaneously excited and creeped out. I am reminded of the Talking Heads “Once in a LIfetime”. How did I get here? I went from a drunken ne’er-do-well to a suburban work-at-home housewife and parent seemingly overnight. Fortunately, I’m still as weird as I ever was.

  15. Kim says:

    You just described me! I feel like this too. The only place I feel like I’ve even accomplished anything is in the dojo, but even there I feel like a fraud. I want to scream at the white belts, “don’t watch me! I don’t know what I’m doing either!” I feel like I’m “in the process” of doing so many things, but I’m not getting them done!

    Whenever I get the out of sync feeling, I start thinking about going back to school. Then I realize how hard graduate school is, how much time it would take, how much studying I’d have to do, and I get tired even thinking about it. I put the idea until the next time I get squirmy.

  16. jmlindy422 says:

    I am not a librarian, but I feel this way ALL THE TIME. And I’m getting pretty sick and tired of it, but I’m also tired, so I think a nap is in order. But, wait! I’m 55! I can’t nap again until I’m 80. I hate getting old.

  17. A.J. Goode says:

    You are SO not alone in feeling like that! I’m a little bit older, and I still feel like I’m preparing for something, waiting for something. Like I’m still trying to be a grown-up so life can really start.

  18. Wait, are you ME? I’m so confused. I’m pretty sure you’re my alter ego, because I feel that way EXACTLY. I mean, my kid is going to be 13 next month and . . . I’m fairly certain I’m still 13. So this really can’t be possible. I am not a good adult. This post explains it perfectly. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

  19. I’m going to use two phrases/cliches that help me when I feel on the verge of something but find myself holding back: lean in and let go of the outcome. You’re taller than me (barely) so you must be a grown up.

  20. You sound just like “a research librarian for Public Television, story teller, bike commuter, baker, music fiend, lover of reading & books, mother, wife, friend – and many more descriptive adjectives and nouns” I knew back in Texas. 🙂

    Keep the Faith and stay positive! There are a lot of people who’ll read this that think you’re a pretty damn cool woman. Except for that DEVO thing. 🙂

  21. Shannon says:

    I can guarantee that you are not the only one “feeling out of sync.” I’m kind of in the same boat. I just moved into my first apartment and am coming up on my senior year in college (I stayed in the dorms these past couple of years), and I honestly look at things, such as my finances and think, “What the HECK did I get myself into?!” Trust me, you are not alone. I think that coming to terms with the fact that we don’t have it together all the way is a very adult thing…it shows maturity in the fact that we can acknowledge where we need help or have uncertainty. Hang in there, girly!

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