I’ve been listening to New Model Army a lot these days. I’m particularly fond of the song “Fate” – give it a listen – you might like it.
Here are some lyrics:
I put my hands into the roaring flames.
I felt the pain as it started to burn
I’ve done the same thing over again and again
As if I never ever wanted to learn
Moving through the world at obsession speed
Leave a dust trail crossing the land
I’m crying out in fury to the gods of fate
Come on, get me if you can
I feel I’ve been trying to outrun fate these days. Struggling to find peace but not really understanding how to make it last – to come to terms, if you will, with the events of my life.
So much of my days right now seem to be filled with listening to an inner narrative of what my life should be. Or more precisely, filling myself with frustration and worry over the things that I cannot change – because they are not mine to change. It’s hard for me, at times, to accept. Accept that I am not all things to all people – and I cannot continue on that path, trying to shape everyone around me so that I can feel like they are living up the expectations that I think others have for me and those around me. I keep sticking my hand into the roaring flames despite being burned – and I need for that lesson to sink in. I need to stop. Stop harboring resentment, fear, anxiety, the need to control.
My Bikram Yoga practice has been a godsend (can an agnostic have a godsend? I’m not quite sure, actually). It’s a place where I can empty my mind of that narrative and just concentrate on what’s at hand. I can work in the harsh environment with some ease – find some inner peace and give up the struggle. It’s hard – I won’t lie. I often struggle with the floor series in Bikram – and it’s taken me an injury to realize that this is not a situation where struggle will help. When I just gave up ‘trying’, I ended up doing. I can’t explain it – but it was like I was trying to cast off these enormous rocks- rocks which weighed me down and pinned me under – too heavy for me to move using brute force. When my hamstring made it impossible to struggle, I decided to just let go of the idea of moving them, instead I started feeling their weight and softening my body around the rocks – then they just started to roll off of their own volition. I need to translate that into my non-Yoga world.
But here’s the catch. I know what I’m supposed to be doing but I often don’t know how to do it. I am pretty sure I’ve been struggling with the rocks for a while. Now, I’m trying to feel their weight and mold myself around them. It’s easier in the Bikram hot room.
I’ve recently started to toy with fasting – I’m coming to realize that adding another stress in my head, something that requires some sort of pass/fail judgement is not what I need right now. I am realizing that binge eating is a way to avoid anxiety – I cannot be anxious and chewing simultaneously. So I chew to calm my inner narrative. If I
work on letting go allow myself to let go of that – I think I can find peace.
I don’t want to become this person:
Such horror, oh such a farce, a little bit of broken glass
You should think yourself lucky that this was done
You’ll have something you can whine about for years to come
I know this post was kind of all over the place – not really concise – but I really wrote it for me. Sometimes things have no point, no clear start and end – they just are.
I just am.