I’m taking advantage of having a blog to just VENT. About my weight. I’m trying to rise above it – but I don’t get it.
I’ve been told to exercise, don’t drink soda, don’t eat fast foods, I don’t eat white bread, I eat whole foods, park away from my destination, take the stairs, don’t call myself names etc… If I do these things, I should be maintaining a healthy weight. I do all those things. ALL OF THEM.
I exercise as part of my life, bike commute when I can, walk when I can, practice hot Yoga 4-5 times per week, jump on trampolines. I eat healthy whole foods, I don’t drink soda or juice, I don’t eat red meat or pork..I never take the elevators, park far away, I drink gallons of water. Yes, I lose control at times – I eat at nights. But even then, I’m not downing an entire bag of Oreos.
I’ve been lied to. I don’t lose weight. I’ve never accidentally dropped a pound. Ever. I don’t fucking understand. Yes, I used ‘fucking’ – it expresses my frustrations and mystification about this daily struggle to ‘do the right thing’ and still every time I step on the scale it moves up.
A few weeks ago I felt really good in the place I was. Then I tried on some of my clothes – and all of it went south. I don’t even feel like I deserve to look good. It’s completely irrational and stupid. But I just feel beaten down.
And it’s not even this desire to be skinny -that’s never been a reality for me. I know I’m never ever going to have a flat stomach. I’ve accepted that. I just want to be a regular size – I want to just put something on and if it’s tight, that’s a benefit not a visual detractor. I don’t want to have to spend every god damn day of my life thinking about weight. I want all the work I do to make a difference.
I don’t understand it when I read articles about people that dropped 30 lbs and their story is this: Oh I stopped drinking soda and now take a 30 minute walk every night; the pounds just melted off.
sigh. Thanks for listening – I’m sure this is just a small detour…