Yes – I’m Venting

I’m taking advantage of having a blog to just VENT.  About my weight. I’m trying to rise above it – but I don’t get it.

I’ve been told to exercise, don’t drink soda, don’t eat fast foods, I don’t eat white bread, I eat whole foods, park away from my destination, take the stairs, don’t call myself names etc… If I do these things, I should be maintaining a healthy weight. I do all those things. ALL OF THEM.

I exercise as part of my life, bike commute when I can, walk when I can, practice hot Yoga 4-5 times per week, jump on trampolines. I eat healthy whole foods, I don’t drink soda or juice, I don’t eat red meat or pork..I never take the elevators, park far away, I drink gallons of water.   Yes, I lose control at times – I eat at nights. But even then, I’m not downing an entire bag of Oreos.

I’ve been lied to. I don’t lose weight. I’ve never accidentally dropped a pound. Ever.  I don’t fucking understand. Yes, I used ‘fucking’ – it expresses my frustrations and mystification about this daily struggle to ‘do the right thing’ and still every time I step on the scale it moves up.

A few weeks ago I felt really good in the place I was. Then I tried on some of my clothes – and all of it went south. I don’t even feel like I deserve to look good. It’s completely irrational and stupid. But I just feel beaten down.

And it’s not even this desire to be skinny -that’s never been a reality for me.  I know I’m never ever going to have a flat stomach. I’ve accepted that.  I just want to be a regular size – I want to just put something on and if it’s tight, that’s a benefit not a visual detractor. I don’t want to have to spend every god damn day of my life thinking about weight.  I want all the work I do to make a difference.

I don’t understand it when I read articles about people that dropped 30 lbs and their story is this: Oh I stopped drinking soda and now take a 30 minute walk every night; the pounds just melted off.

sigh.  Thanks for listening – I’m sure this is just a small detour…

About Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher

I'm a research librarian for Public Television, story teller, bike commuter, baker, music fiend, lover of reading & books, mother, wife, friend - and many more descriptive adjectives and nouns.
This entry was posted in Eating, Food, Health, Mental Health, Random Thoughts, Yoga and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

56 Responses to Yes – I’m Venting

  1. bloggirl52 says:

    Sorry this is so long!
    At my heaviest, I was 328 lbs, size 28 was getting tight. I am now a very comfortable size 16 that I have maintained for 5 or 6 years now. My frame wouldn’t allow me to get lower than a 14 (which would have been a 12 twenty years ago!), so I’m happy here. I did it by changing my behaviour more than the foods I chose, because, like you, I was already making great choices (for meals anyway, it was snacking that killed me). While I did have to add exercise to my lifestyle, the biggest change I implemented was that I became a grazer instead of a meal eater. I found I didn’t want the snacks so much anymore. I was fuller longer. This was a suggestion from a colleague who’d also struggled with her weight for too long. I don’t know if you graze or eat three squares, but I thought I’d mention it if it might help.

    Also, when I had my thyroid checked, my doctor discovered I had very low B12. Everything else perfect After reading up on B12, I discovered it has much to do with weight regulation! I had to start taking a sublingual tablet each day. Presto! no more up and down 10 lbs every few weeks. Maybe that even? That could be the magic pill you need. 🙂

    Oh, and those people in the articles probably had an abundance of processed sugars in their body, didn’t drink water or exercise before. Of course they lost that much when they kick started their body into action by changing only those three things. You’ve been doing those right all along, so don’t measure yourself by that achievement. It’s false.

    I’ve seen your photo and you’re gorgeous. Your husband loves you. You are an amazing blogger (sorry, if I knew you personally, I could say more great things about you). Focus on those. When you don’t focus your thoughts on the weight, it may be the cue your body needed to let it go. 🙂 (Corny as that may sound)

    • Thank you for this great comment – and your sweet words.

      Your weight loss sounds like it was crazy-amazing. I think I both graze and do a 3 square meals … I should probably choose one way or another. I have been trying to eat a smaller evening meal so that if I do have some late night eating, it’s not on top of a big dinner.

      I also started taking a multi B vitamin for regulating migraines so it’s good to know that it’s helping maintain my weight.

      I do try to focus – but as you know it’s sometimes hard. I do haveto get past the numbers on the scale (ironically, my birthday is 3.28 and I’ve been seeing that combo of numbers a lot lately).

      Thank you for your support – it means so much to me to know that others that I’ve never met care about me and what I’m going through.

  2. Rohan 7 Things says:

    Grrrrr, vent away Denise!! I tell you, I am just so glad that for whatever reason I’ve never had to think about my weight. That sounds horrible I know, but I’m just saying it must absolutely suck to have that hanging over you 😦

    Not sure if I mentioned it before to you but there’s a book called The Only Diet There is by Sondra Ray, my mum had great success doing the exercises and techniques in that book.

    Anyway your blogging rocks no matter what the scales say so it’s all good 🙂


  3. MissFourEyes says:

    I hear you, Denise. Vent away. I struggled with my weight for a long time too. It just feels so good, SO GOOD, to arrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhh!!!! once in a while.

  4. Fresh Ginger says:

    Have you checked your thyroid levels? I’m in the middle of trying to understand this process and it seems to be what is causing me the same issues.

  5. Twindaddy says:

    I’m sorry about you’re struggles, and I’ve had the same issues with losing and gaining weight. So, really, all I can do is off you hugs and hope it helps. ((HUGS))

  6. stephrogers says:

    Oh I hear you! I have struggled with my weight my entire life. If I manage to get down to a reasonable weight I can’t maintain it. Having kids hasn’t helped, now I have jiggly bits where there weren’t any before. I admire how much good stuph you do to be healthy. Really you must be super healthy right now, and I actually think that’s more important. I don’t think that ‘skinny’ is attractive and I don’t think that we should be subscribing to this ideal of beauty that society forces down our throats. Having said that, I still feel bad when my jeans don’t fit.

    • I don’t want to be skinny – I just want to be a normal size 10 and if it’s a little tight – it looks ok. And I don’t want to constantly gain weight if I’m not constantly conscious about it. I am not all about being a twig – but I am concerned about my health and weight – my family seems to be big on heart attacks.

      • stephrogers says:

        I think if you do all the stuff you’ve been doing then you must be super healthy. Is your size 10 the same as ours? Because our size 10 is quite small. Average size here is 12-14. If our sizing is the same then you are actually really slim. I saw a qoute once that said “I wish I was as thin as I was when I thought I was fat”, I laughed because it’s so true. Heart disease is scary though. I have some of that in my family too.

        • Average size here is about the same – but I think that a generation back, they were all ‘smaller’ a size (so a 10 now was like an 8 then).

          I saw that quote too and laughed. I want my arms to be a size 10 🙂

          Heart disease is what really scares me!

  7. I hear you! Years ago, my weight crept up to 230. Not only that, but I was completely out of shape and felt like crap 24/7. It took me two years of dedicated daily exercise and diligent calorie counting and food choice to get down to 174. I wasn’t skinny, but my goal had been to get to a more “normal” size, and I did. But I couldn’t hold it. Too much time, too much work. I know they say make a lifestyle change, but for me to stay at a smaller weight made my life about that, and that wasn’t a life I wanted to lead 24/7. So I didn’t hold the 174, but I’ve held 190-200 for about 10 years. It beats the hell out of 230, but I still find myself wanting to be more normal sized, and as you say, just cutting out soda and junk food and getting a walk every day doesn’t get me that. It isn’t that easy.

    • We are kindred spirits trying to figure out the magic switch –

      I know – I feel like I’ve been thinking about my weight my entire life – and it’s tiring. I’m lucky my husband loves me no matter what, but I want to just not be plagued by it all the time yet not have it increase. 🙂

  8. I’m here for you, Denise. Vent away. I wish I had a magic pill for you. I wish I had the perfect advice. I think it’s a very specific, personal thing for each individual. It sure sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I love my boot camp and see a lot of people get great results. Of course, it takes patience and time. Nothing happens overnight. I know you know that already. Maybe it would help to talk to an expert, someone you trust. What about your yoga teachers? Do you think they might have some advice or point you to someone who could help? Hang in there. Don’t beat yourself up, okay? Promise?

  9. Carrie Rubin says:

    Sorry to hear of your frustrations. Weight gain and loss is a more complex process than many would believe. It’s not always as simple as putting down the fork and walking more, as you point out. The sooner our society understands that, the sooner we can better address it.

  10. For the record – guys worry about their waist line. But that’s beside the point.

    I too struggle with my wieght. When I started exercising regularly again the first 20 pounds went really quick. But there is another 30 that exercise is not taking out. I have started to change my diet but have yet to see further results. It is maddeningly frustrating. I carry on because I know that stopping would only make it worse. But I wouldn’t miss these pounds if they decided to part ways with me.

  11. tlhicksglow says:

    I’m sad you’re so frustrated! You are an obviously talented and smart woman and are so much more than any number you see when you step on the scale. Weight is something I struggled with my entire life and believe me I know how exhausting it can be to constantly be monitoring your food intake. Throw out this thought, reach for something better, and get to class – it sounds like Camel Pose is calling! 🙂

    • I was loving camel this morning – and it was wonderful. I try to think in my mind, every time I do a pose, I’m a different person afterwards.

      I just get down every once in a while –

      I am trying hard to throw it out – it seems that it’s harder than I would have ever expected.

      Thank you for the kind words – I do believe I am more than just a number. Sometimes I just forget. 🙂 thanks – you’re always a source of inspiration for me.

  12. lolabees says:

    😦 It can be such a struggle. This isn’t a total solution, but it is a tool that I love to help replace some of those carb cravings. Have you ever tried Miracle Noodles? I love them. They are a lot like rice noodles but they are made from a root vegetable and have 0 carbs, 0 fat, and are gluten free. If you decide to try them, let me know and I can help you with cooking tips.

  13. Same here. My weight has been creeping up on me. I can’t say I’ve been as diligent as you, though. Stress, frequent illness and depression played havoc on me, and I can’t forget general laziness. I eat too much fast food and definitely the carbs, etc. I fell off my yoga and bike riding routine. I am 37 and they say your metabolism slows as you age, so that’s not good since I’m already above that stupid freaking BMI. I too know I’m not getting a flat tummy – I had babies and then abdominal surgery so I am going to have a baby shelf. But I’d like to fit into my clothes. I hate buying new clothes.

    On the positive side, I am using a new antidepressant that has really helped pull me out of my rut. I have more energy and I’ve been cleaning. We HAVE to park a mile away now that they did away with staff parking, so I get exercise there, plus I go up stairs. I take the elevator when my asthma acts up but I try to take stairs usually. Well I wrote a blog post on here, but just letting you know I understand. I feel guilty for not doing what I should, but if I were and still not losing then I’d definitely be ticked. Like, screw this, I’m eating a cupcake. I trust you have more self control, though, since you go to hot yoga. I’m trying to get back on the yoga train.

    • Why does it have to be so hard for some of us??? I truly enjoy being active and I KNOW my health is good because of it. I just don’t want to wake up one day at 200 lbs again…

      I won’t even buy new clothes – I’m completely stubborn 🙂

      I don’t have any self control – but I am all about being active with things that I like and can maintain – I can’t be a a gym for hours on end – that’s just not me. But hell – those “I walk 30 min a day and lose” people baffle me! I’m thrilled for them – but annoyed for me.

      I guess we just move ahead the best we can and vent when we need to! I’m stupid for saying “I wish I had a magic pill” – it’s weak but I don’t care now!

      Good thing we’re beautiful women none the less – and I feel better already just admitting it.

      Thanks for caring and sharing.

  14. El Guapo says:

    Just for the channeling it into a vent and not giving up, you rock!
    You have my full sympathy, and if it helps, here’s my girls story
    She wanted to get down to the weight she was at when we first married. She found an app on teh Android phone called Lose It.
    She entered her weight and told it she wanted to lose one pound per week.
    The app responds with a daily calorie level. At the same time, she also entered her eercise and it responded with adjusted calorie counts.
    Since I do most of the cooking, we cooked a bit more healthily, but with no major changes. She tracked everything (I mean everything!)) she ate in the app.
    In about six months, she lost 35 pounds. She feels great, and she had her days she went off the recommended calories, but not many.
    My only concern was that she wasn’t feeling hungry (she wasn’t) and that she was doing it because she wanted to and not because someone (me) was giving her a hard time. (I wasn’t, but it can be hard to tell if I was doing something I didn’t realize, or something was misinterpreted.)

    Hope that’s useful to you, and either way, like I said, you rock!

    • Well when i track all my foods (weight watchers) or stop eating carbs/sugar, I lose weight – so on one level I know I can do it; but I think I just get upset b/c I do all this other stuff (the ‘habits of health weight people’) and seems to be bunk.
      Hopefully this will be the impetus to get myself into some sort of pattern…
      Lucky lady that you do most of the cooking and are supportive.

      ANd congrats to your wife – for keeping on! Thanks for the support and lovely response.

  15. JackieP says:

    I had this problem too. For years. Drove me crazy, or crazier. Then I found out I have a wheat intolerance. So once I stopped eating most wheat products (I’d say 95% wheat free) I started to lose weight, lost that bloated feeling, my emotions were more even, and most of my aches and pains went away. Did this for about a year. Then fell off the wheat wagon so to speak. Within a month I gained 15 lbs and all my aches and pains came back. So now am back off wheat and losing weight again. I don’t have celiac disease, just an intolerance. Might me worth a shot.

  16. The Waiting says:

    Girrrrrrl, I hear you. Let me emphasize: I HEAR you. I’m never going to be skinny either, and sometimes that really gets to me. Sometimes I fear that I am going to shift my desire to be svelte and beautiful onto my daughter, and that terrifies me. Hugs.

  17. My wife & I were there 3 years ago. & were SO frustrated! We found our solution. I’m not interested in spamming you so I won’t go I to details here. If we can serve you, let us know.

  18. I have the same problem….and the same detours. Eating at night kills me. I’ve made a point of monitoring my patterns and when I eat at night the scales are there to viciously remind me the next day. Have you ever had your thyroid tested?

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