Naughty Bits

It all started with the naughty bits.

But please note: This is a frank and open discussion about anatomy and the rigors of bike riding upon it – very specifically in the region of, well you know, the naughty bits.  Can also be discussed semi publicly with the terms: private parts, girly parts, and happy or whoo-whoo box (but only among known company). For the truly modest, a worried eye gaze flickering quickly down ‘there’ and back will convey everything there is needed to know.

I’d noticed that most people complained of having a sore bum when they ride longer distances or if they’d not biked in a while.  My pain was a little more spread out in the general region and going forward, where you’d imagine it would be bothersome without me having to point it out in a vulgar manner.  And of course if I’m writing about it online, I’m sure as shit sharing it with my face to face friends.  Using this method for the wide distribution of ‘what’s on my mind’, I can usually get a good tip from some of the less horrified kith and kin. I did.  Padded Shorts.

I never had padded shorts before – just the basic black cotton/stretchy kind. The cheap kind.  So someone suggested getting padded shorts. Let me describe what they feel like. They have a very thick gel insert in the crotch all the way to the butt. It feels like I’m wearing a ginormous Kotex pad with ‘wings’ that I’m sure everyone can clearly see as I walk by. Shorts that make me feel like stopping perfect strangers and asking them if these pants ‘make my vagina look fat’. That’s what they feel like.

And because I had just recently written about how redonkulous it is to feel like you need to have a ton of specialty items in order to ‘exercise’, it would figure that sometimes the padded shorts ARE NOT ENOUGH. It’s like I wrote a short rant and my body (specifically the naughty bits) rebelled to make me a hypocrite.  So now, along with the padded shorts, I own a ‘cut out’ seat, which I was told by other people with the same kinds of naughty bits, is much helpful in the realm of ‘ouchy pain’.   I’m gonna have to concur (like Twindaddy does) – it makes a HUGE world of difference.

See - the naughty bits are pressure free!

See – the naughty bits are pressure free!

But in my defense, this is a $50 seat which I got for $34…I could have bought the $160 seat – but that’s insanity.  Maybe if I was touring across country instead of across town.  But even then, I might be too cheap to ever spend that amount of money on a seat.

So that’s the story of the naughty bits – not as tantalizing as you were hoping eh?

Note: Mom – I know you were appalled about me writing about cat poop on my carpet, I don’t know how you’re going to react to this… but it’s just one of those facts of life. We have naughty bits and sometimes they are ‘ouchy’ when squished on a bike seat for 80 plus miles. 

About Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher

I'm a research librarian for Public Television, story teller, bike commuter, baker, music fiend, lover of reading & books, mother, wife, friend - and many more descriptive adjectives and nouns.
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54 Responses to Naughty Bits

  1. Thank you for the chuckle! I’ve not cycled much at all recently, to the point that a short jaunt around the block leaves me with a sore backside for days afterwards. I need a nice, wide seat – or maybe no seat at all is the solution? Although given that I technically don’t have a bike any more, it’s not really a problem!

  2. “Does this make my vagina look fat?” That’s what I felt during both of my pregnancies. That seat looks like it’s worth every penny! One should spare no expense on comfort for one’s lady bits. 😉

  3. Get ready for a tsunami of inappropriate search terms. You’ve been warned.

    I almost wish your powers of description were less effective than they are. The visuals! My lord!

    You should start a Kickstarter campaign for the $160 jobber.

  4. I died at the “makes my vagina look fat” part. Pure gold. I agree padded shorts are necessary, because I can attest on the opposite spectrum you can just as easily end up with sore naughty parts. Not just with biking either. I mean I was running the other day and the chaffing… well… it hurts. At the risk of being even more inappropriate let’s just say that insulation helps, a lot.

    • Don’t mention the chaffing! Running seems to do all sorts of cruel things to the body…chaffing, I’ve heard of bleeding nipples from shirt chaffing…and the need to relieve yourself during a marathon and you just… doo (ha ha).

      I do love the padded shorts and cut out seat.. that, my friend, is the pure gold 🙂

  5. Amy Reese says:

    For 80 miles, I might even buy the $160 seat! Way to go, Denise. I think The more you do an activity, the more you need those specialized items.

  6. Paul says:

    That was actually quite a classy handling of a naughty bit discussion that could have (if left in , say the hands of TD ) degenerated to an “X” rating. Well done RtMR. I had a friend who was an inventor (somewhat eccentric like Emmett Brown in Back to the Future) who turned his warped genius to the production of a better bicycle seat for men. He actually built it, patented it, got it made overseas and sold some locally before closing up shop. He had them tested by Bicycle police and such. They had a wider rear support and a narrower central shaft – shaped more like a “T” rather than a “V”.They got raving reviews but he wasn’t a salesman, just an inventor. Don’t know what he did with the patent – likely sold it.

    • That’s pretty cool – considering how much weight and pressure we put on the seat, it’s important to have designed to keep us from naughty-bit-disaster.

      Hee hee – we’ll see if Mom agrees about my handling of “naughty bits” 🙂 Thanks for the compliment!

  7. El Guapo says:

    And here I was thinking this would be about a special two person seat so you could have sex while bike riding.
    I’m so unimaginative.

  8. Twindaddy says:

    Please excuse my lack of class, but I have to laugh that you had to get a hole for your, um, hole.

  9. Carrie Rubin says:

    Bike seats can also lead to…um…decreased sensation in those important bits, especially with longterm biking. All the more reason for a special seat and padded pants. Nobody wants to deaden those nerve endings…

  10. rossmurray1 says:

    Accidentally sitting on the boys. That’s all I’m going to say.

  11. HAH! I am not alone. My husband asked why I refused to use the bike and I replied that perhaps if the seat vibrated it might be marginally more enjoyable than rape by an inanimate object. I demand a bucket seat. Leather. With shocks.

  12. NotAPunkRocker says:

    You know, I think I am just going to stick to yearly exams for my “spending money for down there” budget.

  13. another reason for me to keep both feet planted firmly on the ground!

  14. So you’re basically riding around on a toilet seat wearing a diaper – is that correct? Seems about right.

  15. I can’t help always thinking it much be much worse though for boys with their naughty bits! I expect we’ll find out soon on here…

  16. jaraedesire says:

    “makes my vagina look fat”……..OMG that one is going to make me laugh all day long…….I love you so much!!!!

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