It’s a wrap

“I CAN’T GET THIS OPEN!”

“HOW DO YOU GET THIS OPEN???”

“PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU! MAKE IT OPEN!”

I hear it again and again… from family, friends, my son’s teachers. But it never gets me down; it will never change me.  I am who I am.

I love plastic wrap.

And I love a securely wrapped item sealed with the industrial-sized (‘food service grade’) plastic wrap that I lovingly keep on my counter at all times. Right behind my cutting board. It is always there for me.  It understands my need like no one else.  It lasts me 2-3 years at a time (because, well, yes, I date each new box…I’m a stats-nerd on a very shallow level…10/28/2012).

I was unaffected when my kindergarten-sized son would tell me his teachers couldn’t get his lunch items unwrapped.  I am unfazed at my step-father’s angst during Christmas when he cannot figure out how to unseal the cookie plate.  Find the crinkly edge, I advise, and work from there. You can always get in with a little perseverance.  It’s not Fort Knox, it’s just food.  Scissors – there’s always scissors.

I can unwrap any item I wrap – the formula for wrapping is always the same. With a little practice, you too can do it.  All my wrapping starts with a long piece that goes under that item and folds over; then turn 90 degrees and repeat.  If there is any possibility that air might invade, OR something can shift, I give it an extra piece across the top that tucks in at the bottom.  So start at the bottom… if that doesn’t work, start at the top…you can get in; I have faith in you.  And, well, scissors. There’s always scissors.

Ahh - that's the stuff...3000 square feet of happiness

Ahh – that’s the stuff…3000 square feet of happiness. Only my brother-in-law and my baker-friend, Leesa, understand

For Calahan

For Calahan – can or can you not open it?

SushiTwo

This shall be opened only by a magi or someone handy with scissors ~

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About Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher

I'm a research librarian for Public Television, story teller, bike commuter, baker, music fiend, lover of reading & books, mother, wife, friend - and many more descriptive adjectives and nouns.
This entry was posted in Baking, Food, Humor, Secrets and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

52 Responses to It’s a wrap

  1. as another person who has “dated” her plastic wrap, i’d like to give you a high five! thank you for the gift wrapping idea for next year! i may even have to include a whole box as a gift for our family exchange. the price works.

  2. TheLastWord says:

    “So start at the bottom… if that doesn’t work, start at the top” as sound a piece of advice as any I’ve ever doled out …

    Funny!

  3. lolabees says:

    Wow! I’ve always had the problem that I can’t get the plastic wrap on well enough… must not be using enough.

  4. I agree, there are always scissors. Although not always exactly to hand at the time you need them, and also they make it inconvenient if you have say, wrapped a piece of shortbread and a piece of flapjack together and only want to eat one of them and therefore need your clingfilm to be re-usable for the item not being consumed there and then. (Voice of experience here!)

  5. I, too, love plastic wrap but have found – the hard way – that there are a few items for which it is not suited as a substitute, namely trash bags, tissues and toilet paper.
    When you finish you book, will you send it out wrapped in plastic wrap?

  6. calahan says:

    Next time you make a sandwich for your son’s lunch, please take a picture. I want to see what an impenetrable sandwich looks like.

  7. Paul says:

    Ohhh, Rutabaga. Take a look at this – shrink wrap porn http://www.wulftec.com/stretch-wrappers/wrt-150 Ha! I worked in a large distribution warehouse where we shrink wrapped everything using commercial wrapping machines – pallets loaded for shipping, product for storage, equipment and racking for stores, etc. And whatever else struck us as being better wrapped. We had rows of these wrappers that ran 24/7 as we shipped about 1100 pallets of goods a day – and of course all the inbound had to be wrapped for storage in the racks as well.

    Now that the scene is set, comes the story. It was a humongous warehouse with over 60 forklifts and pallet movers of various sorts. The manager had a son of about 20 years who was a lazy f*ck that worked there for his summer vacation. He was dangerous on a machine and as a manager, even though he didn’t work directly for me, I had written him up for safety violations more often than I could count. He had this entitled air about him and try as we might we could not get him fired. The warehouse personnel were a motley crew many of whom had criminal records. As long as they had no theft or fraud charges. we had a policy that we would hire them, provided they had the skill sets. I had one worker who had just been released from jail after serving time for attempted murder. These guys all appreciated the opportunity and were excellent workers. Our loss/damage rate was so low it was unmatched by any of our competitors. That being said, they had a tendency to take matters into their own hands if they thought someone was dangerous. Ha! Policing them was very easy.

    So, one day the boss’ son almost ran over one of the guys and when the guy complained it was blown off (not by me). They had had enough, so one night shift, they got together, captured the boss’ son set him on a pallet, poured honey over his head and shrink wrapped him to a pallet. That was bad enough, but then they used an idle Hi/Lo (a huge forklift used to load pallets into racking) and lifted the pallet up to the ceiling – 35 feet in the air – and parked him under a big natural gas heater. He was still there when the morning shift came in, discovered him and lowered him down. He was much more safety conscious after that. Ha!

  8. Love love this! Fantastic full on confession oh stats queen. My husband loves the Saran Wrap. Me? I’m deficient I this department. Cant work the wrap

  9. El Guapo says:

    Flip it on its back, slash it with a knife.
    Done.
    And stress relief too!

  10. You must be great with Christmas presents too!!

  11. Carrie Rubin says:

    Good. Now I know who to call when I need to open a new box of plastic wrap. I can never seem to do it without slicing my finger!

  12. Vicki Wright says:

    As always, you amaze me Ruta….you can write about ANYTHING and make it interesting, thought-provoking, conversation-starting or just plan funny…. and makes one want to read from the beginning until the very end! You got SKILLS, girl….SKILLS! Glad to know that you are also writing “behind the scenes” too! Hang in there…push through it….DO IT! Can’t wait for your BOOK someday TOO!

  13. Amy Reese says:

    Plastic wrap drives me nuts, Denise!!! So great to see you. I’ve been thinking about you? How’s the writing going?

  14. I love wrap, but I’m one of those who struggles to unwrap it, even relatively simple ensembles. In our cafeteria at work, for our tea and coffee, we have a choice of those horrible little individual plastic longlife milk things, or pouring from a jug of proper fresh milk, I always choose the fresh milk, but it’s always got wrap on top of the jug which has been put on by a wrapping genius – I feel bad ripping it because then it can’t be re-wrapped, but I struggle to undo it otherwise!

  15. I love plastic wrap until I discovered press-n-seal. I can keep a cut avocado green for days with press-n-seal. Of course, plastic wrap is cheaper and the industrial stuff works much better than the stuff you get at Target. We are two peas in a plastic pod, I think. Do you love zipper bags too?

    • I do have an affinity to ziplock bags – but I tend towards the cling wrap b/c it’s right there waiting for me. I’m an Alton Brown fan, and love his ingenious uses for bags and whatnot.

      What is Press-n-Seal?

      • OMG. I can’t believe you haven’t discovered Glad Press-n-Seal. It’s a plastic wrap that has a slightly sticky quality so it seals against itself and other things better than plastic wrap. I use it if I want to save half and onion or avocados. It’s also great to seal bowls so nothing spills. You don’t have to use as much as plastic wrap. God, I sound like a paid advertisement.

  16. Where the hell have you been lately? Maybe you were wrapped up in your own cling film…lol.

    I love the stuff too. We wrap stuff like that at work too – start underneath, fold around, spin and do the same. (I am a chef). I am a level 7 Raccoon expert at dismantling even the most tight-sealed saran wraps. It takes practice though…ha ha.

    Love that you dedicated a post to saran wrap. I hate the household brands – they stick to NOTHING. What did they test this crap on? Other cling film? Even the top brands suck. I need what you have. Mega Wrap. Or the stuff from work, which would last me a year at least.

    Don’t get me started on the cheap aluminum foil…

    Nice to see ya 😉

    Paul

    • Ha! I’ve been hiding trying to write a book and feeling very sorry for myself and rubbish skills.

      Ah a Chef – after my own wrapping heart.

      I was a professional baker- therefore I was exposed to the wonders of industrial cling film, just like you.

      Bloody cheap foil- I won’t stand for it, I WILL NOT!

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