That phrase keeps running through my mind – “Whatever you’re ‘mad for’ this week” … six words written in a cruel fashion, meant to tear me down. It worked. I was torn. These words were written around March/April in an email sent to me out of the blue- based on a difference of opinion …about the weather of all things – or at least my feelings about weather. The backstory is completely stupid and inane, yet those words have stopped me cold in my tracks. I haven’t been able to write anything since then. Not. One. Word. My book is just sitting there – not being written.
Why did I let those words beat me? I know I’m ultra enthusiastic about anything that excites me at the time. And I know I flair up bright and then burn out quickly for some things. But what I didn’t know was that this personality trait is annoying to others – or at least one other. That kills me inside. I don’t know why, but it does. So I’ve stopped being outgoing – and wrapped myself up in self consciousness. Only to be pulled aside to be questioned if something was ‘wrong’ – and by that very same person. Why do I let others control me? WHY?????
It also makes me wonder if it cut me to the bone because it reveals a part of me that I try to keep under wraps…that I secretly am afraid. Afraid of a lot of things – like success – and the maintenance thereof. Of relying on myself and my instincts. I defeat myself before I even begin to see the potential. Why I think I’m not worthy is beyond me at times. Maybe it’s easier to not be good at anything – then there are no expectations to fulfill. Nothing to maintain.
(This is not just a self indulgent rant for a pity party or seeking platitudes of “you’re OK!”)
I’ve been needing to write this out for a while because those words had been killing me inside. There are now some other ones competing with them. They come from my husband and his frustration with my non-belief in myself about, well, most everything – including playing bass guitar with him. He improvised a song called “I’m not worthy” – and when he sang it to me, I was so pissed off I could hardly get my anger out fast enough. But then I did a little listening to him and let my brain sort it out. He was right – I made myself believe that I was not worthy to <insert most anything>. The reasons why don’t matter – I’ve made myself, I can unmake myself. It’s not just about me now, I have a child that looks to me for guidance and I want him to see his potential. What I say to him matters but what he sees me do matters more. How can I tell him to trust in his abilities when he sees that I don’t trust in my own? Why am I letting the opinion of one person, who I feel just does not like me for who I am, paralyze me? A wise friend of mine told me that friends and those that love you bring out the best in you – not the worst. I’ve taken that to heart.
I feel like I’ve changed since then. I play my bass to the best of my ability and no longer whine that I can’t possibly be a musician. I’ve found a creative side to myself outside of words – and I’ve let it run wild. I am mad for many things – I do exude a crazy amount of excitement about things at times. That I won’t change about myself. I don’t know what will happen with my book – but I do know it’s there waiting for me when I’m ready.
So – that’s that.