My fast morning story –
In the 1990s my husband and I would often take an overnight trip to Bisbee, AZ – and in lieu of driving one of near-to-dying-cars, we opted for a ride on Greyhound. This also allowed for a bit of drinking without the worry of driving. The only drawback of a bus ride from Tucson to Bisbee is the number of stops that have to be made along the way. Normally, I’d be fine with it… but not on this particular bus ride.
We boarding the bus in Bisbee – possibly a little tipsy and partially hung over from the previous day. So everything is a mixture of hilarious and/or slightly nauseating (for me anyway). Scott and I sit in our seats waiting for the fun to begin, and know it’s July and extremely HOT out. We drive to Sierra Vista/Ft. Hauchuca and pick up a ton of people. We have to wait for about 15 minutes before the bus is scheduled to start moving again.
Then it happens…
A stench comes wafting out the bathroom…viscous and raw. It fills the entire bus. And I feel really bad for whoever is in there because you know they are experiencing some horrible intestinal distress. And I think to myself, I’d like to be able to just slink out and die peacefully if that was me in the bus bathroom. We are all trying to not gag (and some of us trying to not laugh… maybe me…maybe my husband…maybe because we’re a little drunk and poop is funny). The smell actually gets worse rather than dissipates and the bus driver has opened the front doors – he looks decidedly pissed. He’s got a Lysol can in his hand – and I figure he’s going to make a trip to the bathroom and spray. But no – when the poor guy (a little old Asian man) steps out of the bathroom, the bus driver (cruelly) calls him up to the front. The guy looks horrified and has blanched to a waxy white. He slowly walks up, all passengers looking on in slight anticipation for what might possibly be happening to this guy… the bus driver hands him the can and makes him go spray the bathroom. I’m pretty sure, if I was that guy – I’d have just broken down and died. That walk back down the aisle was probably the longest walk of this guy’s entire life. We all looked away, feeling sad for him. Well, some of us (us being Scott & I) might have been trying to suppress insane giggles – you know the ones that are totally inappropriate so they grow uncontrollable? Yes, those kinds of giggles.
The bus driver closes the doors and starts the bus – thank god for the A/C – I have my mouth and nose pressed right up to the air vent by the window…and all of a sudden I breathe in a mouthful of freakin’ LYSOL. The bus driver had another can that he SPRAYED in the air vents. I almost added to the stench by vomiting right there…but I didn’t – now the entire bus smells like Lysol and sewage – which I think was MUCH, MUCH, MUCH worse.
We start on our way – with another stop in St. David – then to home. The entire trip was horribly stenchy. There’s no other word for it. I couldn’t wait to get off that bus – the smell of downtown bus station in July in Tucson was a 100% improvement. THAT’S HOW BAD IT SMELLED. And for me to say that, it’s pretty bad – I can withstand some pretty stenchy stuff – but not that.
Never that, never again.
And now for some Violent Femmes
The Mercenary Researcher 
It’s like when you visit residential homes for the elderly and at first all you smell is the air freshener (which is super-strong and knocks you out) and then you smell the underneath smells caused by bodies which are elderly and therefore giving up… One or the other, I can deal with, but not both.
I’d have preferred the fecal matter odor rather than the combo too.
That poor little man. I think I would have vomited…
It was hard going….
Perhaps you should be doing PR for Greyhound. Or Lysol!
Ha! I think I hear them calling!
They’d be calling “P.U.!”
HA HA
Awww, that poor guy! How embarrassing!
I love the Violent Femmes. Thanks for reminding me. 🙂
I know – how mortifying for him.
Me too!!!! Violent Femmes….Love them.
That was very funny hahaha! Oh man…
🙂
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So many poop stories, so little time. The curse of a blogger :-).
hee hee – if it wasn’t for bodily functions – I don’t know what I’d do….
Well, you could be like a sloth who has no anus. They just absorb their own waste – which is why you should never eat a sloth.
They run faster than me anyway.
Phew! What brought this story from yesteryear to mind that you had to share?
Good question – I have no good answer…. it was just rolling around in my mind 😛
Urgh. Public transport. I hate public transport. Actually, I correct myself, I hate public in general.
even being transported with together, eh?
Yep. No together. Get away random people.
Hee hee – don’t shun me if we ever meet!
No you’re special.
🙂
I might be ‘special uh-oh’
No you’re special awesome
🙂
I don’t know what was more brutal. What you guys had to endure, or what he had to. I remember I was on a flight, and this lady waited until we landed to take a horrible, horrible #2. She couldn’t wait 3 minutes to just get off the plane. Instead we all had to sit in it. That lady was a jerk.
Case in point RtMR
I think the humiliation was probably more brutal!
Aww – that sounds horrible….maybe she couldn’t wait?
I feel so sorry for that poor little Asian man…how humiliating! By the sounds of those giggles, I could swear your were doin’ a little smokin’ with your drinkin’. He…he…hee, hee…ahh ha ha…bwahaha…snort….bwahaha!!
I took a Greyhound from Oklahoma City to Arlington VA. The bus broke down TWICE and they had to send for a new one TWICE. It took me over two days to get there…never again!
did anyone’s colon explode?
In my experience, air “freshener” only makes things worse.
Exactly.
Oh, so horrible! Stenchy yuck. Even the word stenchy is bad. Poor everybody, but I probably feel the worst for the poor Asian guy. The longest walk ever. I would just throw myself out the window! Can you laugh about this…or no?
Well – it’s funny uh-oh… I feel bad for that poor guy and for getting a fit of the giggles…
You know I loves me a good poop story! I’m much less squeamish about pooping than I used to be. I think having kids helped with that. But I consider myself fortunate to have had 2 c-sections so that I didn’t have to poop while giving birth. 🙂
Whoo hoo!! Because no one wants to give birth to that on the delivery table
I empathize with the little Asian man. I have a colostomy left over from colon cancer. There are times when the aroma when emptying it is overwhelming. If I have to take a long ride with others, I’ll just not eat the day before – it’s pretty much the only way to be safe. I’m careful what types of washrooms I use – single units with great fans separated from main area (be it sales floor, office or whatever) is best. I have been called many names publically and embarrassed more times than I can count over the years. It is not possible to control when the colostomy needs to emptied and very little control over the aroma. The worst of it is that the operation has damaged my colon and I am more suseptible to intestinal bugs , which makes it all worse. I don’t go out in public much anymore. It’s just easier that way.
I feel for you Paul, my son had 3 external stomas when he was an infant with bags attached to them.
The bus driver could have definitely been more gracious
Wow, three stomas – that’s a serious management issue. Is he OK now?
Yup – they put him all back together – he has functional short gut syndrome…he digests rather fast.
Yikes….I’ve never been on a trip like that so thankfully I can not relate.
But you can laugh 🙂
Oh, and I did. Heartily.
🙂
Ha, talk about a title to lure people in! And your funny story matched that magnificent title. How gross but how sad for that poor man. I’m sure it was horrible, but it all comes down to empathy–would that bus driver want someone to force him to make that Lysol walk of shame? Or at least he could’ve done it more kindly, perhaps with a joke to unleash the elephant in the room. Then again, I am overly sensitive to smells, so I’m sure it was horrible for everyone involved. Which essentially makes the perfect fodder for blog posts. 🙂
Thanks – I was pretty happy to be inspired by the title (what would I do if I could not STEAL from other’s good titles already??).
Yes – some empathy would have been nice for that poor guy. I love that – the Lysol Walk of Shame. I would have been so horrified if I stepped out of that bathroom, especially because you know that guy was sicker than a dog…not doing it on purpose.
Exactly. Some things can’t be contained. The intestines are gonna do what the intestines are gonna do…
And as a person with an 11 year old’s maturity – it makes it hard to contain the mirth.
But we’re laughing WITH him, so that’s okay. What? He wasn’t laughing? Oops.
ha ha
Bisbee! Why Bisbee? I was in PHX for 18 months. Too hot. Too, too hot. But Tucson is nice. Prettier.
If I had been called out by the driver in front of everybody like that, maybe I would have Lysoled his stupid face.
I kind of wish your power of description weren’t so well-honed. Wish your writing a bit duller.
Really? Duller? But the magic of imagination runs strong thru me 🙂
Bisbee is cooler than Tucson in July…and you don’t need a car there if you’re staying in Old Bisbee.
Phx is horrid in the summer – more asphalt and man-made water places so more humidity.
I think lysoling his stupid face would have been in order – the little old man was too nice.
PHX is horrid 24/7, 365 days a year. I was there a long time ago when the Governor of AZ was a racist buffoon named Even Mechan. Do you know who that is? I loaded up my truck, drove back to New York City and begged her to take me back. She did.
Yes – unfortunately, I know who Even Mechan was… we have a history of horrible politicians…Jan Brewer… McCain – we gather them like plague rats to the sewer.
But there’s no humidity.
I didn’t know you were in Tucson. I should pay attention more better.
Yes, it’s a dry heave, I mean heat…
And I agree – Phx is horrid 356 24/7… but I didn’t want to insult you before you mentioned that 🙂
What a horrible situation…funny how so many awful ones come from rides on public transportation. So feel for that guy but also thankful it’s not me!!
Right? He’d be horrified if he read this 20 years later…
Yikes! I am considering letting the kidlet ride the bus to Tennessee over spring break. Part of me now says no and part of me thinks it would teach him to think twice about polluting the air in my car when we go on road trips.
I think riding the bus is a good experience 🙂 or at least an interesting one ~
On the other hand, I bet every other bus ride has seemed pleasant by comparison.
At least…I hope it has!
Hee hee – you’re right!
I read that whole post with my nose scrunched up in yuckiness, from the title to the end. I can’t stand bad smells. And whenever there’s a bad smell, I always hear that little voice in my head that says “Smells are little particles of the thing itself going up your nose” which really doesn’t help!
no – that would not have helped AT ALL! I can take some smells ~ but sewage mixed with lysol was the worst – i’d rather have just flat out sewage b/c the lysol just added another layer it did not cover it up.